Broken.

So this post is a bit serious and some what sad I suppose. Since I've not really held anything back on this blog except what my weight is. Which I will tell when I reach a certain milestone lol Other then that I've managed to just let it all out on here. Well with this post i'll do the same. If you know me and my family or you have me on Facebook you know that I lost my mother last November. You would also know that I lost my Aunt Kay last March and my Granny this past January. Now, i'm not laying all of this out so that you can feel sorry for me or that i'm tooting my own horn about how I've found myself getting through this. Ever since I've started this blog I've wanted to give this testimony, if you will. So here is some back tracking.

When I got saved in '07 God didn't save me from some terrible life. I wasn't on drugs, an alcoholic  didn't come from a broken home, never had an issue with depression or anxiety, never bullied, no real personal problems, never really dealt with loneliness, he just saved me from myself. My bible was my cosmo magazines and I could give you any information on any celebrity you needed to know. (And no... I don't have a problem with t.v. or cosmo just giving you an idea with my obsessions.) I had a lot of friends, a wonderful family, just a good life in general. So for that I never really felt that I had a "testimony." Which just simply saying "I got saved" is probably the best testimony you could have. Ever. Ever.

I wanted to help people though.

I wanted people to know they could talk to me or I could understand what was wrong. BUT, unless you've been through something then you don't really have a lot of weight to your words. Someone with a problem with drugs probably wouldn't find much solace in talking to me. Now I knew better then to ask for a testimony, that means I had to go through some things that would probably hurt. Who wants that? But I also knew that life isn't fair and sooner or later at some point I would deal with something that would add weight to my words. Thus far it all happened fast. REALLY fast. Within a year my life went into complete tornado mode. So I know, if I know anything in this world, I know what its like to be broken.

It started with my marriage. The first two years was fine, but looking back I seen that I took everything those two years had to offer for granted. I was careless and sometimes mean. I told someone that I work with that I could be quite difficult to live with, and they didn't believe me. I can be pretty hateful and stubborn and I want things my way. I'm not an only child but I was raised as one so "princess" syndrome is one of my illnesses. lol Then came year 3. It was ok for the first half but the 2nd half fell a part and fast. A series of different events took place and everything changed from what I knew and took advantage of to a complete 180. We decided to get divorced. I'm not proud that it happened but in some ways as strange as it sounds i'm sort of glad it did. When I was by myself I was able to see where I had went wrong, and realized I wasn't the perfect Mary Poppins I thought I was. Instead of laying all this blame on Ryan. I'm not justifying either of our actions but within that time I was able to see and know what was important. I was able to allow God to work in my life like never before. There was nothing I could possibly do on my own but lean on him. It was one of the hardest trials I've ever dealt with in my life. A few days before our divorce was to be finalized we got back together. It's been different ever since. I've been different. In a good way. It's now year 5. I'll one day do a post about this i'm sure but i'm sure you get the picture. That was the 1st thing that was just a whirl wind. What surprised me was the amount of different emotions. I never got depressed. I was broken and devastated but never to a point of depression. I could go from just fine, to crying, to rage in a matter of seconds. That scared me. The rage that I could feel. I'd never in my life been drove to that point that if something would have set me off when I felt that anger and rage its untelling what I would have done! I didn't like that, I didn't like NOT knowing how I was going to react. So now I have a great understanding of what someone goes through and how they feel during a divorce.

Then things calmed down. I found myself on a path of restoration and forgiveness and that felt wonderful. Right about the time I started to feel comfortable again. We started to notice little things with my mother that didn't seem "right." Thats when we found out about her cancer. They sent her straight to U.K. on a Wednesday and Thursday morning was when we learned she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer that had spread to her brain. They immediately scheduled her for brain surgery for the next Monday,  4 days away.

Whirlwind.

The doctor came in early Thursday morning and told us. She never cried. I wanted to die. I didn't want her to see me cry although there was a few times I couldn't bite down hard enough to keep the tears from falling. I had to sit there all day trying to act like I was "stronger" then I was. That evening I went home and I don't remember where Ryan was but I was glad to be home alone. I went to pieces. I found myself mourning like she had died. Finally as the night went on I was able to get myself together and tell some of my family and friends what was going on. I realized I was just expecting the worse and not giving the situation to God. The one that COULD take care of this. The next day- Friday - I went out with Ryan to get all of his stuff for the academy. That evening my friends, Taryn, Jess, and Belinda came over and visited with my Mom. The more I was around people the better I was.

From the start my Mom was strong about her illness. (In a few days I'll have a post up with her entire story) That helped me. It was helpful to see her positive attitude and I wasn't about to let her see my negativity. The next day, Saturday, My Aunt Kay, (Brenda Hurst) had suffered from a heart attack. My mom called to tell me about it and I just felt so overwhelmed. I had just got to a point that I could think about my mom and not cry,  I was packing up all of Ryan's stuff for the academy and now this??? At first I thought no... this must be some sort of mistake. This much doesn't happen all at one time! I went to the hospital later that evening and not very long after I got there we got the news that Aunt Kay had passed away. WHAT? It was overload. At this point I literally was just going through the motions of life. There was no way to process everything. Monday came and it was brain surgery day. I was on pins and needles but felt peace at the same time? Surgery went wonderful and she got to even come home the next day! After brain surgery!

Got that out of the way. No its funeral time. Aunt Kays daughter, Amanda, was the same boat as me. She wasn't an only child but she was raised as one. She was Aunt Kays only child. I remember sitting at the funeral and getting so sick thinking to myself, "this will be me." I just sat there and thought about how there was no way in the world I could sit through my mothers funeral, I would never be able to do all the things that you have to like picking out clothes, flowers, making arrangements. There is no way! I would just die having to face all these people. Then I realized what I was thinking and I made myself stop. God could heal my mother that very minute and I may never have to deal with that sort of planning. But I just stared at Amanda and wondered how she did it.

For a few weeks things calmed down a bit. No more bad news it was just waiting on my mother to recover and start her radiation treatments. Those treatments came and went and I found myself being hopeful and positive and knowing that God had control of this situation. Then came Chemo. Her body never did react how they thought it would. It made her so sick. The worse i've ever seen in my life. I had never seen anyone so pitiful. Times like that I could feel my faith wavering. I was able to hold on though. She never once let her guard down and let doubt come in. Once the chemo was over we just knew the cancer was gone. I could feel it. We were anxious to get to the doctor to find out the results. The day before I was taking a shower and I had k-love on. I wasn't paying one bit of attention to it and out of no where I just heard the chorus to Kutless- Even If
Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

I'd never heard the song before and that line just dropped into my heart. I knew without a doubt the cancer was gone but I knew that there was going to be something happen. We get to the doc the next day and Good News the cancer is gone! BUT her lung was collapsed. Straight into surgery the next day. She was in the hosp. for a week. She came home and just never seemed to be getting better. I remember asking her one day WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FEEL BETTER, she just started laughing at me and said soon. She just didn't ever seem to get better. She had to go back to have another scan a few weeks later. Her lung had collapsed again and the cancer was back. In her liver and more aggressive then before. Little by little we seen changes, that we tried to justify but we knew what was happening. I was able to believe though that a miracle could take place at any second. She stopped eating, and she started sleeping so much. They called hospice in on a thursday, family and friends started piling in, we prayed and prayed for a miracle but her miracle wasn't due to be here. Sunday evening with almost her entire family we watched her leave this world. I knew that thursday it wouldn't be long so I guess I just mourned everyday until it happened. I was completely broken.

But I had a peace in my heart that I could never begin to explain. My whole life i've been terrified to lose a parent. I just knew if something happened to either of them I would LITERALLY just give up. I would just lay down until I died. I didn't. The next day I got up, got ready, we went and made arrangements, picked out her grave site, picked out the flowers, and the rest of the time we picked out clothes and pictures. Everything I thought I would never ever be able to do, I did. God helped me more then I could ever explain.

While all of this was happening my poor little Grannys health was getting worse. Little by little she would get worse. She was in the hospital during Christmas and that just devastated us all. You ALWAYS spend Christmas Eve at Grannys! She got to come home a couple days after Christmas and we were able to get together and spend it with each other. She was tired but in a good mood and of course kept saying some of the funniest things. We were all afraid it would be our last Christmas with her but we were also well aware that there is no shortage of Miracles. They had a schedule set up and we all had a turn going over and taking care of her. My day was Thursday. I went over there and she slept most of the day she had a bad night the night before so I just let her sleep. The next day she got really sick and had to be put back in the hospital. It seemed like the same thing again. She was so sick and so tired. They kept her comfortable and then on a Tuesday night we just knew what was happening. Shane Gabbard came and prayed with her and afterwards we just started talking to her and letting her know what she meant to us. Some of the family was outside and one by one everyone came back in the room. It was like she knew. Once everyone was in there she let go, and we watched her leave.

I know I go into detail with everything and this is 500 miles long. But I just want people to know that I know what it feels like to experience loss and hurt. I know what its like to be broken. The first couple months after all of this I was fine. Sometimes I worried about how ok I was. Lately though I find myself struggling. Trying to accept how different it is and realizing that I'll never be able to just call my mom up and ask her a question.  Coming to terms with the family members that are missing at family events. I find myself struggling to not get depressed. The only person that has known that I have dealt with being depressed is Ryan. Thats only because he was home when I had a melt down. I didn't want anyone at all to know. Panic attacks have been frequent and the feeling of being powerless is consuming sometimes. But i'm ok? lol I know that probably doesn't make sense. Some days i'm fine other days i'm a ball of nerves. I do know that I wont always be like this. I know that God has helped me more than anything and far more then I will or ever deserve. If he stopped helping me right now he's done more then I could ever thank him for!

So I say all that to say this. I've been there. I'm there. I'm getting better. I'm letting time heal me. Somedays its messy. My make up is wasted and some days I don't know how to handle it. But I know this brokenness will get better. Everyday no matter if its a good day or a bad day I notice that I breath a little better, a little lighter. We are all way more stronger then we know. Once your put into a foreign scary situation you can handle it better then you ever thought. I'm not laying in my bed waiting to die. I know where Aunt Kay, My Mom and my Granny are. I know they're waiting on us and i'm excited for that day. But until then I know i'm going to be ok. I know that if I want to fight for something then I can attain it i.e.- my marriage. If I want to get through this, I will. I just have to trust God. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Keeping my sadness/depression a secret only hurt me more. It helped once Ryan knew. If you need to talk to someone then message me. Make prayer your first resort. You/we can get through this!