Get it together ash.

shew.

Ok. So i've not posted much lately... mostly because i've been busy but that is still no excuse. I will tell on myself though. One day I'm a rockstar with my food choices and the next I'll eat Cookout and a cupcake. No bueno ya'll.... I have however been going to zumba every chance I get and doing it at home as well. I went to the gym in McKee as well this week and I plan on going back. I really want to start incorporating weights into my exercising. But all the weights and zumba in the world wont help me if I dont CONISTENTLY eat well! I'm still at a 5lb weight loss as well so i'm glad i've not gained any! So now its time to really challenge myself and step up my game!

Peace out -ash.

Weigh In Wednesday.

My first one back! I'm going to try my best to do this every single week. I know some people that weigh themselves every single day. Not my thing. I like surprises. What i've learned from Weigh In Wednesday is every surprise isn't a good one. So lets just take surprises that aren't good and make them a "learning experience" isnt that what we classify everything in life that we don't like lol It's true though.

This is my first weigh in since I began a week and a half ago. Here are my results!

I lost 5lbs

I lost 2 inches in my chest and an 1 1/2 iches in my stomach!

Today was a good surprise!

Gotta keep going! Hows your week going???

Inspiration=Motivation

I got a lot of motivation from being inspired by different people and seeing REAL changes. From normal people. Those who have had kids, have stretch marks, lost 100 lbs. Someone who was a total couch potato and now runs marathons, or someone who never ate one healthy thing now eats a clean diet. Just normal people that have jobs, take care of their kids, go to school, or lead busy lifestyles but find the time to work in exercise and prep healthy lunches and meals. I'm not that inspired by celebrities that make a total transformation. A lot of them have their food prepped for them and their trainers come to them. I like to find these people who have to literally MAKE the time to make it happen. Two blogs I follow regularly are Mama Laughlin and Skinny Meg. Both are huge inspirations to me!! Follow them on instagram and some of their progress pics and before and afters are amazing! Skinny Meg is 30 weeks preg. and goes to the gym daily! Whaaaaat??? 

I think after a while as conceited as it sounds you start to inspire yourself. You start seeing changes in your body, your mood, your energy level, your clothes, I could go on and on... But the more changes you start seeing and feeling the more you want to challenge yourself. I know before I slacked off I just had the energy and and zeal to try so much. Started slacking off and it was all I could do to get ready and keep my house straightened up, let alone add something new to the mix.

I guess I have an obsessive personality... if I take something on such as a healthy lifestyle then I want to know everything. I'm always reading and studying about foods or exercises, whats really good and what really isn't and so on. So I want to constantly be intrigued by what i'm doing. Whether its being healthy or re-decorating my house. 

Couldn't be inspired without the Lord. He's who is giving me this zeal and the strength to keep this up and i'm so thankful!

Just find something that can keep you going. 

I posted this on Instagram yesterday and I live everything about it.

Peace out- ash.

1 Week In.

So I've got an entire week behind me with this "lifestyle" change. I. Am. Loving. It. I feel so back to "myself" and my energy level is up beyond. Seriously it was getting bad. It was all I could do to make it until 4:00 just to get home and take a nap, wake up, do VERY LITTLE, and then go back to bed. I have stayed pretty busy lately but the exhaustion and draggy feeling was getting out of control! Until you actually switch all of your food up you just have no idea how bad you felt until you realize how good your feeling now. So try it ya'll!

Moving on.

So with my changes in my diet I have stayed so full. I keep up with my food on my fitness pal. You can add me - ashleighryan628@hotmail.com and It gives you a pie graph with your goal. Right now my goals are 50% carbs, 20% Protein, and 30% fat, those fats being "healthy fat" of course. And i've actually stayed within range really well. I also started pouring some chia seeds on pretty much everything I eat. The health benefits from everything i've read is beyond wonderful! They expand in your stomach and make you feel fuller longer. You should seriously try them! To me personally a bag of them is a bit expensive ranging on the brand its anywhere from $6-11.00 but a bag will seriously last for months. So its worth a shot!

My goal has been to drink 100oz. of water a day. Yeah.

Not been going so well.....

At all...

It is the absolute most hardest struggle!! I've been trying different things to help me get it down but I just don't know. So its definitely going to be a challenge!

I've also been taking different vitamins. I started taking magnesium and biotin. I take fish oil and I still take Catalyst and ThermoPlus which are from Advocare. I did the Advocare cleanse back in the spring and I loved it. From what i've studied out about it and the reviews I've read It seems  to be a safe program. I'm usually VERY hesitant about any type of supplements but I trust these and they aren't promised to be some type of "miracle" that does the work for you. They're an aid and you have to put the work into it. Check out those links! If you need any more info about Advocare and the challenge I'll help to the best I can or I can get someone for you!

So on Monday I started out with all of the healthy food and staying on track but I just wasn't feeling the exercise. Until I went back to Zumba on Thursday. If you've never read my blog then let me update you I use to regularly go to zumba, Its on Monday and Thursday from 6:30-7:30 at Gray Hawk Reformed Church and Ashley Judd is the instructor. It's wonderful, she's wonderful, and you should seriously come! If your thinking "oh i'll look crazy I can't do that, I'm too embarrassed" then stop thinking that. There is absolutely no time for anyone to be watching you because all everyone else is thinking is "I need water and I need to breath" So try zumba!! Going back thurs. was just the motivation I needed so now i'm pumped! My advice to anyone is to try zumba its really fun, fast paced and you will burn a TON of calories! When I'm at home I find some zumba on YouTube and do an hour or so by myself. I've found a lot of different ones and some are fun but they are actual professional dancers so it's a bit difficult to keep up with. I like to do these at home zumba routines at home you can watch them here and here. 1 hour of zumba can burn anywhere from 600-900 calories. Do I need to keep going on???

I'm not going to weigh or measure myself until Wed. Regardless of what the measuring tape or scale says, I already feel so wonderful! I'm just happy to be getting back into a healthy routine. YOU CAN DO THIS! Just start!

Peace out. -ash

2013 Recap.

WHAT! How did we get here? Time is going by so fast! With that said though I really, really , really enjoyed 2013!

I decided to lose some weight as usual. Thats my plan every January but for some reason this past January I dove in head first and accomplished it!. I lost 35 pounds and started running!! Not well, nor fast, or for a long period of a time but I still ran! I could walk up the V-School hill without stopping and carry a conversation from bottom to top and back down, twice. Never ever thought I could do such. I really put out an effort and accomplished some goals!

I went on my first real vacation past Tennessee. No offense TN I love ya and all but Tybee Island was amazing! I'm already planning our next vacation.

I didn't actually do a great deal of things during the summer I thought I would but I stayed really active, if that makes sense. I continually push mowed my yard, I went on a lot of runs/walks, I got tan!! I spent more money then I should have ever friday going shopping with Kayla and Michelle (aka Kbz and Meeshellz, thats what I call them) I just stayed on the go and very rarely stayed inside unless I had to. I loved that! Usually I hate really hot weather, heats ok to a degree but you mix in some humidity and i'm done! For whatever reason it didn't bother me I just stayed outside all of the time!

My sweet friend Jess got married!! We've been best friends since 2nd Grade. I love her so much!

Then My sweet Heather got married! We've been best friends since 4th grade! Love her so much!

Ryan and I decided to get extra jobs. Which isn't as bad as I thought, I kinda like having an extra job.

The holidays went well I got to spend time with family but not enough. I'm thankful for what time I get to be with them but it never seems like enough. Its always run to this house, leave early, rush to this house, leave early rush home change clothes go to work... I must be getting old.

2012 was a really hard year so it was refreshing to have a year like 2013 where I could just "heal."

Of course I have some lists and goals for this year. I like how at the beginning of each year everyone is eager to change things about their life and get everything together. Even if most of us are a mess by January 15th it doesn't matter at least for a while we had good intentions and sometimes the plans we hoped that would stick actually do. Happy 2014 everyone! I hope its our best year yet!

All the Groceries.

I'm one of those odd people who actually love going to the Grocery store. It makes me sad to hear people tell about their hatred of going. This past trip was hurtful though. I spent sooooooo much money. I tried to buy up a lot of my "staple" foods and plus Ryan decided he wants to start eating healthier as well. We both have hectic schedules that are usually opposite of one another so I rarely buy many groceries. I usually just pick up some snacks and MAYBE once a week we would cook a meal that both of us get to sit at the same time and eat. So my grocery bill was never very high but with that means we have been eating out a lot. So that has definately had to change. So I made sure I bought PLENTY of different things to keep our meals and snacks switched up. Plus I have a huge goal of getting creative with some of my ingredients so that nothing gets wasted. I hate when I have to pretty much just throw my money in the garbage! Here are some of my favorites and some newbies!

I bought a bag of natural almonds, pistachios, and vanilla blueberry granola clusters. Ryan went through each bag and seperated them all out in to snack size bags so everything is a serving size and really quick to just grab and go! Wheat thins are my fave and I love the sandwich slims sometimes i'm just over wheat bread.

I've never bought coconut oil before and i'm still a little confused on what to do with it. I cook with extra virgin olive oil or just use some canola oil spray so I might just use the coconut oil for my hair... lol I love honey peanut butter! Of course brown rice I usually always cook a little bit extra and just keep it in the fridge that way its done and I can just throw it into whatever fast lunch or dinner i'm making. I'm just now starting out with whey protein... I made a smoothie with it and it was actually pretty good.

If your going to have pasta go with whole grain! Quinoa is a wonderful food to have on hand. Its still sort of strange to me but its super healthy! I got some Special K hot cereal cups for monings I don't have time to make break fast.

Of course fresh fruit, I also have bags of frozen fruit. I love cheese and all though I could just buy a block and cut it up into little pieces like these cow pals I just prefer to buy them.

Protein bars for on the go... Almond milk is the bomb... and some people are different about canned food but I myself love them. Keep diced tomatoes and crushed tomatoes on hand and you can make really yummy homemade sauces that are really easy and quick and much healthier! I keep a lot of canned corn, green beans, beans of all sorts, and Rotel. Easy to make recipes with all of those!

My new thing is Chia seeds. I've been putting them in everything. They are so healthy!! You cant taste them they're wonderful way to sneak extra goodness into your diet!

I also keep veggies stocked in the fridge, sliced and diced onion, carrots, celery, tomatoes, etc. I keep bags of frozen broccoli and cauliflower. Turkey lunch meat and chicken breast and I like turkey smoked sausage. So with all of this there is plenty of variety! Just have to switch a few things out. 

Lucky for me Ryan will eat whatever healthy things I cook and if he wants some type of snack he will just go get it. So I don't have to keep snacks that are bad for me in the house. BUT if you have to keep things for your spouse or kids it really helps if you meal plan and meal prep. So that when they're snacking and you want to as well just go grab something you have ready. Its time consuming to an extent but it gets better! Hope this helps!

Is your plan to lose weight this year?

 So just like every year I made a plan to lose weight and be HEALTHY this year. I mean lets not get carried away here I wanna be skinny but I want to be healthy getting there. So if you made a resolution to lose weight take some time to study it out! Don't do these crazy fad diets or weird expensive "plans" study it out. Find out a good healthy plan for yourself and start out small. I remember last year when I first started I was trying to do a work out video and I thought for sure I was going to die! I felt so bad and out of breath it was awful! I called Ryan in a complete panic and crying and was like when will this ever get easier!?? All he said was it's going to take a few weeks. So for the next few weeks I struggled. I chugged water and sat in front of the fan when I thought I was going to die until one day I realized I was doing over half of the video without even stopping for water. I could even do the whole video without running to the fan!

I'm saying all of that to say this, CELEBRATE your little victories! Losing weight and eating healthy can be hard. So if your goal was to lose 10 lbs. in a certain amount of time and you get on the scale and find out you only lost 7, PLEASE don't get discouraged! You lost 7 lbs! You probably lost a couple inches in your stomach and I bet your 20 minute mile is 15 or you can double the jumping jacks and sit ups from a month ago! Keep record of everything your doing and measure yourself! You wouldn't believe the difference it makes. We get to caught up on the "pounds lost" (myself included) so lets take off on this year with not so much of a concern as the actual pound but more about I've went down 2 pant sizes. Or I can run a mile without stopping, or I can eat my salad and drink my water for lunch and I actually enjoy it.

That was weird for me by the way. As much as I love junk food and comfort food I found myself craving my healthy food!

So let's make this a successful year of not just pounds lost but over all differences in every aspect of our health! Find a friend to keep in contact with daily! If you don't have one then let me know! I love texting people at 6:00 am about my work out!

How Do I Log In?

Whoa. I couldn't even remember my password! It has been quite sometime since I've had a blog post! I've missed it. I slacked off on leaving posts when I felt like nothing I was saying was interesting. BUT I started this blog as accountability to myself, regardless if anyone else was really that excited about what I had ate that day or what my exercise plan was. So after a few pep talks with my friend Taryn here I am. Ready to go! When I felt like I had everything under control and really didn't need as much "accountability" was when I really started to lose focus without realizing. I did well throughout the summer I just incorporated a lot more "cheat" meals. I stayed really active this past summer though. Then came the fall.

Ugh....

By the time fall came I just became a lazy slob. I just wanted to lay on the couch and watch t.v. for every spare moment I had and just eat comfort food.

Bad Idea.

Really bad.

It's fixable though! I get so disappointed in myself to see how hard I worked to just let it go.

I did before. I can do it again.

Did ya'll think I gave up on this blog?

Nonsense.

I've been on vacation, a very long, wonderful vacation.

For 9 whole days I pretty much took off from everything. The most strenuous thoughts I had were trying to figure out how many flowers I needed to buy to fill up my flower pots. I didn't think about exercising, food choices, my job, my bills, nothing. I just took off mentally. I took in the beach and walked River Street in Savannah, GA. I worked in my yard and played with my dogs and jammed to my Pistol Annies CD. Thats all the thoughts I took in.

I loved it.

I needed it.

Now its back to reality. Although I loved every second of my time off my brain is needing order, schedules, and lists back. In which I've spent all morning doing. I did pay some bills on vacation but I've spent this morning getting them all figured up. Gross. Thank God I can pay them though. I've checked and cleaned out my email, cleaned out messages, my purse, and started on my lists for the week. I'm feeling normal again lol. All vacation I just felt i'm not sure how to explain it... like an "air head" lol (Well I guess i'm that all the time but that past week and a half it was in super mode.) I mean I literally just woke up and did whatever with no discipline. I like that. For a while.

Now with this wonderful vacation and no thoughts on anything I did not eat well. I just ate conveniently in 9 days Ryan and I cooked 3 times. We ate out everyday. I liked not having to wash dishes everyday but the whole time I was thinking I can not believe this is how I use to eat every day. Just snacks and fast food, POP, blizzards, whatever it didn't matter if we thought it sounded good we went and ordered it or bought it. I figured I had gained 20 lbs. It seems I've only gained 3. I can deal with that. So i'm "cleansing" starting today. Back to my normal meals of chicken, turkey, salads, fruit, and veggies. No more DQ plain # 7's with pepsi for this chick. For a while anyways. I gotta Vacation detox now! AND EXERCISE! I've really just been missing a wonderful Zumba session with Ashley! Although on my time off I actually stayed pretty active and stayed outdoors from the time I woke up until bedtime except for one day that must have been the ONLY thing that helped me from gaining 20 lbs back.

Now let me tell ya'll about my trip!

I loved it so much!!! When Ryan and I were planning on taking a vacation in which we have never done together other then an occasional weekend in TN. I automatically wanted to go to Savannah GA. and I wasn't budging from it. Ryan on the other hand found nothing impressive about going to Savannah really and he wanted to go to the beach. I went to the beach as a baby and certainly don't remember it and I never really had a notion or care to ever go. So the compromise was for us to stay at Tybee Island. It's 18 miles from Savannah so we could stay on the beach and go to Savannah every day.

Well.

We get to our hotel around 1:00 on Thursday and after some food. We get to our room throw our things down and hit the beach. At first I was like well this is nice but it sorta freaked me out. I'm not sure why? So then we just lay on the beach for a while and I decide thats boring. So we walk around the pier and such and went to some of the shops. We eat again, then drive around the island. Such an adorable place. Then I decide I want to go back to the beach. We watched the sunset and walked around some more and I was realizing I liked it more. Ryan and I are such old folks. We got up every morning around 6:00 and then back in our room and asleep by 9:00. lol So the next day We spend the morning on the beach and at this point I've decided I LOVE IT. Later on we went and ate again. ya'll don't even know what all Ryan consumed on this trip. He looooves seafood and there was definitely no shortage here. We rented bikes, the island is small and you have to pay to park and we really weren't wanting to deal with all the quarters for the parking meters. We rode our bikes to North Beach and around the town. We felt like kids running around on these bikes.

(What?! Is that me in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt? Yep.)

We went to the Light House. I was anxious to go.

Got in the light house and I started freaking out. I made it half way up started going into complete panic and started running back down. Now i'm not afraid of heights. Thats not what bothered me. What I am afraid of is this light house is old. What if one of the bricks that these steps are screwed into is coming loose. What if  one of the steps i'm stepping on is getting weak. What if the foundation of this lighthouse is weakening and it just falls in crumbles???? I run back down. Ryan goes on to the top. I get down and then I think to myself, self, you paid 9 bucks to get in this thing get to the top! Off I go. PAAAAAAAANNNNNNIIIIIIICCCCCCC. I get to the top I start screaming for Ryan like a little kid, I step out on the ledge and think if anything is going to break off on this thing its going to be this little ledge. I jump back in and make a B-Line to the bottom of the lighthouse where I sit with the little man that checks your ticket and talk to him. Who knew a dang light house could do so much panic???

See what I mean! 

The day goes on, we go eat again, go back to the beach and relax. Savannah isn't even on my mind.
The next day we make plans to go to Savannah but not without a detour stop for some golfing. I know nothing about golf. But I can drive ya all over the course.

Such a pretty Golf Course

Off to Savannah we go.

We did a tour where you can get on and off as you please. We ate Leopolds Ice Cream Shop, its #5 out of the top 10 in America. It was really good but i'm perfectly satisfied with my I.G.A brand as well.

We went to Forsyth Park, so beautiful! and went around different squares in the Historic District. Then we went to River Street. Such a cool place. The road and sidewalks is all bricks and rock and the buildings are old and its just a really interesting place. I really enjoyed myself but the whole day I just wanted to get back to Tybee and lay on the beach. BUT Ryan was totally taking Savannah in and was in no rush to leave. We totally swapped! For whatever reason that just cracks me up. The next day we were total beach bums. I loved it beyond. We sorta slept in that morning.... but we had breakfast and on the beach by 9:00 lol. We layed there until late that evening and went to Uncle Bubbas its Paula Deens brothers restaurant. It was good. I had no problem eating my steak lol but it was just over priced and not worth it. I'd much rather eat at one of the little restaurants on the island. The next day it was time to leave... we stuck around and went to a couple shops and paid for our parking ticket and just drove around the island trying to find Sandra Bullocks house. lol

The rest of my vacation we worked on landscaping and Ryans building. Now since this post is already 64 miles long let me just give you an iphone dump and let ya see a buncha pics!

 The Crab Shack was the best place we went to. It was so fun!

This was one of Ryans meals!!! yuck!

 Forsyth Park. I would love to have that park to go walking everyday.

 I'm quite scared of these.

North Beach. 

I just loved the sidewalks.

River Street

 Another of River Steet

Just some of the Historic District.

Tybee had some of the cutest shops. I want to live there and open my own up.

 I have a bagillion pretty shots of the sky.

Can't take him no where.

And then the trip was over.

Ummm

Today I weighed myself. I'm so thrilled! I'm not telling though until I put all my results from the Advocare Challenge up. So na na na na. I saw this on Lee County Memes Facebook Page and I've just about died:

This is how I feel today.

It's my friday! Yay!!

Ashleigh Lanigan- Out.

Weekend Recap.

My weekend was fun! I took off work on Saturday because my cousin Austin and Uncle Wade came in. It did my heart well to see them! I love my Aussie! lol Thursday and Friday is my weekend and Thursday I completely emptied my DVR. I got started on my dvr'd Pretty Little Liars and got sucked into the t.v. and watched my shows straight through Zumba!!! I can't believe I missed Zumba! Ya'll I'll say it til I turn blue in the face. YOU HAVE GOT TO COME TO ZUMBA! Do it!

Moving on.

Friday I went and bought supplies for vacation. I spent a small fortune on sunscreen. I would love to come back all nice and brown, but for some reason God decided to make my skin un-tannable. I get spray tans, and sometimes even those don't turn out well! My skin just doesn't want to be anything other than the color of powder. Sigh. I've even been laying in the tanning bed some! AH! I feel like i'm sinning everytime I lay in the tanning bed. For real! I harp on everyone to not ever lay in the tanning bed but I figured I had best try to get some type of base tan because even with SPF 50 and higher... when I hit the beach, i'll toast. Anyways went out and about with Kbz and Meeshellz and on the way guess what! I GOT A SPEEDING TICKET!! I was on Duncannon and by the time I seen the cop it was too late to do anything about it. I had been pulled over once here in the county and he knew me and laughed at me and told me to slow down. I didn't know this guy. He was really nice though. He asked where we was going and I said "Old Navy." He started laughing and said IS THERE A SALE? lol shoooot. Well he goes back to his car and writes up the ticket and comes back and hands me a citation. I didn't know you get citations when you get tickets so when I seen that my heart stopped beating. Turns out thats normal and I wasn't going to Jail! lol

$163.00!!!!! What?!?!? It only costs $20.00 to speed and Court Costs were $143.00! Outrageous!

We went to Olive Garden and I ate. A lot.

Then I went to Amanda's Origami Owl Party. What cute stuff! I bought a necklace and it is gonna be dedicated to my Mother Hen. 

I tried to do this to some people and no one even began to believe it. One of the people I sent it to didn't get it at all and thought I had gotten a good deal on grapes or something. ha!

I just love this dog! His name is Cecil!

Hope ya'll had a good weekend! I'm gonna be working out super hard this week! I have vacation in just a few days! I have to get it together!

Broken.

So this post is a bit serious and some what sad I suppose. Since I've not really held anything back on this blog except what my weight is. Which I will tell when I reach a certain milestone lol Other then that I've managed to just let it all out on here. Well with this post i'll do the same. If you know me and my family or you have me on Facebook you know that I lost my mother last November. You would also know that I lost my Aunt Kay last March and my Granny this past January. Now, i'm not laying all of this out so that you can feel sorry for me or that i'm tooting my own horn about how I've found myself getting through this. Ever since I've started this blog I've wanted to give this testimony, if you will. So here is some back tracking.

When I got saved in '07 God didn't save me from some terrible life. I wasn't on drugs, an alcoholic  didn't come from a broken home, never had an issue with depression or anxiety, never bullied, no real personal problems, never really dealt with loneliness, he just saved me from myself. My bible was my cosmo magazines and I could give you any information on any celebrity you needed to know. (And no... I don't have a problem with t.v. or cosmo just giving you an idea with my obsessions.) I had a lot of friends, a wonderful family, just a good life in general. So for that I never really felt that I had a "testimony." Which just simply saying "I got saved" is probably the best testimony you could have. Ever. Ever.

I wanted to help people though.

I wanted people to know they could talk to me or I could understand what was wrong. BUT, unless you've been through something then you don't really have a lot of weight to your words. Someone with a problem with drugs probably wouldn't find much solace in talking to me. Now I knew better then to ask for a testimony, that means I had to go through some things that would probably hurt. Who wants that? But I also knew that life isn't fair and sooner or later at some point I would deal with something that would add weight to my words. Thus far it all happened fast. REALLY fast. Within a year my life went into complete tornado mode. So I know, if I know anything in this world, I know what its like to be broken.

It started with my marriage. The first two years was fine, but looking back I seen that I took everything those two years had to offer for granted. I was careless and sometimes mean. I told someone that I work with that I could be quite difficult to live with, and they didn't believe me. I can be pretty hateful and stubborn and I want things my way. I'm not an only child but I was raised as one so "princess" syndrome is one of my illnesses. lol Then came year 3. It was ok for the first half but the 2nd half fell a part and fast. A series of different events took place and everything changed from what I knew and took advantage of to a complete 180. We decided to get divorced. I'm not proud that it happened but in some ways as strange as it sounds i'm sort of glad it did. When I was by myself I was able to see where I had went wrong, and realized I wasn't the perfect Mary Poppins I thought I was. Instead of laying all this blame on Ryan. I'm not justifying either of our actions but within that time I was able to see and know what was important. I was able to allow God to work in my life like never before. There was nothing I could possibly do on my own but lean on him. It was one of the hardest trials I've ever dealt with in my life. A few days before our divorce was to be finalized we got back together. It's been different ever since. I've been different. In a good way. It's now year 5. I'll one day do a post about this i'm sure but i'm sure you get the picture. That was the 1st thing that was just a whirl wind. What surprised me was the amount of different emotions. I never got depressed. I was broken and devastated but never to a point of depression. I could go from just fine, to crying, to rage in a matter of seconds. That scared me. The rage that I could feel. I'd never in my life been drove to that point that if something would have set me off when I felt that anger and rage its untelling what I would have done! I didn't like that, I didn't like NOT knowing how I was going to react. So now I have a great understanding of what someone goes through and how they feel during a divorce.

Then things calmed down. I found myself on a path of restoration and forgiveness and that felt wonderful. Right about the time I started to feel comfortable again. We started to notice little things with my mother that didn't seem "right." Thats when we found out about her cancer. They sent her straight to U.K. on a Wednesday and Thursday morning was when we learned she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer that had spread to her brain. They immediately scheduled her for brain surgery for the next Monday,  4 days away.

Whirlwind.

The doctor came in early Thursday morning and told us. She never cried. I wanted to die. I didn't want her to see me cry although there was a few times I couldn't bite down hard enough to keep the tears from falling. I had to sit there all day trying to act like I was "stronger" then I was. That evening I went home and I don't remember where Ryan was but I was glad to be home alone. I went to pieces. I found myself mourning like she had died. Finally as the night went on I was able to get myself together and tell some of my family and friends what was going on. I realized I was just expecting the worse and not giving the situation to God. The one that COULD take care of this. The next day- Friday - I went out with Ryan to get all of his stuff for the academy. That evening my friends, Taryn, Jess, and Belinda came over and visited with my Mom. The more I was around people the better I was.

From the start my Mom was strong about her illness. (In a few days I'll have a post up with her entire story) That helped me. It was helpful to see her positive attitude and I wasn't about to let her see my negativity. The next day, Saturday, My Aunt Kay, (Brenda Hurst) had suffered from a heart attack. My mom called to tell me about it and I just felt so overwhelmed. I had just got to a point that I could think about my mom and not cry,  I was packing up all of Ryan's stuff for the academy and now this??? At first I thought no... this must be some sort of mistake. This much doesn't happen all at one time! I went to the hospital later that evening and not very long after I got there we got the news that Aunt Kay had passed away. WHAT? It was overload. At this point I literally was just going through the motions of life. There was no way to process everything. Monday came and it was brain surgery day. I was on pins and needles but felt peace at the same time? Surgery went wonderful and she got to even come home the next day! After brain surgery!

Got that out of the way. No its funeral time. Aunt Kays daughter, Amanda, was the same boat as me. She wasn't an only child but she was raised as one. She was Aunt Kays only child. I remember sitting at the funeral and getting so sick thinking to myself, "this will be me." I just sat there and thought about how there was no way in the world I could sit through my mothers funeral, I would never be able to do all the things that you have to like picking out clothes, flowers, making arrangements. There is no way! I would just die having to face all these people. Then I realized what I was thinking and I made myself stop. God could heal my mother that very minute and I may never have to deal with that sort of planning. But I just stared at Amanda and wondered how she did it.

For a few weeks things calmed down a bit. No more bad news it was just waiting on my mother to recover and start her radiation treatments. Those treatments came and went and I found myself being hopeful and positive and knowing that God had control of this situation. Then came Chemo. Her body never did react how they thought it would. It made her so sick. The worse i've ever seen in my life. I had never seen anyone so pitiful. Times like that I could feel my faith wavering. I was able to hold on though. She never once let her guard down and let doubt come in. Once the chemo was over we just knew the cancer was gone. I could feel it. We were anxious to get to the doctor to find out the results. The day before I was taking a shower and I had k-love on. I wasn't paying one bit of attention to it and out of no where I just heard the chorus to Kutless- Even If
Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

I'd never heard the song before and that line just dropped into my heart. I knew without a doubt the cancer was gone but I knew that there was going to be something happen. We get to the doc the next day and Good News the cancer is gone! BUT her lung was collapsed. Straight into surgery the next day. She was in the hosp. for a week. She came home and just never seemed to be getting better. I remember asking her one day WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FEEL BETTER, she just started laughing at me and said soon. She just didn't ever seem to get better. She had to go back to have another scan a few weeks later. Her lung had collapsed again and the cancer was back. In her liver and more aggressive then before. Little by little we seen changes, that we tried to justify but we knew what was happening. I was able to believe though that a miracle could take place at any second. She stopped eating, and she started sleeping so much. They called hospice in on a thursday, family and friends started piling in, we prayed and prayed for a miracle but her miracle wasn't due to be here. Sunday evening with almost her entire family we watched her leave this world. I knew that thursday it wouldn't be long so I guess I just mourned everyday until it happened. I was completely broken.

But I had a peace in my heart that I could never begin to explain. My whole life i've been terrified to lose a parent. I just knew if something happened to either of them I would LITERALLY just give up. I would just lay down until I died. I didn't. The next day I got up, got ready, we went and made arrangements, picked out her grave site, picked out the flowers, and the rest of the time we picked out clothes and pictures. Everything I thought I would never ever be able to do, I did. God helped me more then I could ever explain.

While all of this was happening my poor little Grannys health was getting worse. Little by little she would get worse. She was in the hospital during Christmas and that just devastated us all. You ALWAYS spend Christmas Eve at Grannys! She got to come home a couple days after Christmas and we were able to get together and spend it with each other. She was tired but in a good mood and of course kept saying some of the funniest things. We were all afraid it would be our last Christmas with her but we were also well aware that there is no shortage of Miracles. They had a schedule set up and we all had a turn going over and taking care of her. My day was Thursday. I went over there and she slept most of the day she had a bad night the night before so I just let her sleep. The next day she got really sick and had to be put back in the hospital. It seemed like the same thing again. She was so sick and so tired. They kept her comfortable and then on a Tuesday night we just knew what was happening. Shane Gabbard came and prayed with her and afterwards we just started talking to her and letting her know what she meant to us. Some of the family was outside and one by one everyone came back in the room. It was like she knew. Once everyone was in there she let go, and we watched her leave.

I know I go into detail with everything and this is 500 miles long. But I just want people to know that I know what it feels like to experience loss and hurt. I know what its like to be broken. The first couple months after all of this I was fine. Sometimes I worried about how ok I was. Lately though I find myself struggling. Trying to accept how different it is and realizing that I'll never be able to just call my mom up and ask her a question.  Coming to terms with the family members that are missing at family events. I find myself struggling to not get depressed. The only person that has known that I have dealt with being depressed is Ryan. Thats only because he was home when I had a melt down. I didn't want anyone at all to know. Panic attacks have been frequent and the feeling of being powerless is consuming sometimes. But i'm ok? lol I know that probably doesn't make sense. Some days i'm fine other days i'm a ball of nerves. I do know that I wont always be like this. I know that God has helped me more than anything and far more then I will or ever deserve. If he stopped helping me right now he's done more then I could ever thank him for!

So I say all that to say this. I've been there. I'm there. I'm getting better. I'm letting time heal me. Somedays its messy. My make up is wasted and some days I don't know how to handle it. But I know this brokenness will get better. Everyday no matter if its a good day or a bad day I notice that I breath a little better, a little lighter. We are all way more stronger then we know. Once your put into a foreign scary situation you can handle it better then you ever thought. I'm not laying in my bed waiting to die. I know where Aunt Kay, My Mom and my Granny are. I know they're waiting on us and i'm excited for that day. But until then I know i'm going to be ok. I know that if I want to fight for something then I can attain it i.e.- my marriage. If I want to get through this, I will. I just have to trust God. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Keeping my sadness/depression a secret only hurt me more. It helped once Ryan knew. If you need to talk to someone then message me. Make prayer your first resort. You/we can get through this!

What i've been up to.

So I had a fun week! Monday of course was Zumba. It was good to be back. I had to miss the week before and it made me so sad! Tuesday was the Zumba party at the Lords Gym. Ashley just started incorporating some weights in with a couple of the zumba dances which is SOOOO awesome to me! After the zumba party the weather was so perfect and Jess, Kbz, Meeshellz, and I had a wild streak and went and walked the V-School Hill. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!

We ran back down. That sweaty pony tail was from Zumba. I'm telling ya'll you need to come to zumba!!

Before Zumba Sarge and I took a trip in the sunshine in my father bears truck (always an adventure in that thing) to Clay Co. to see Ryan Jo. I just have to show ya'll these pics of Sarge!

Seriously. How much more cute could he be?!?!?

Also.... I totally took a ride in Bills EL CAMINO!

lol!

Later in the week Ryan Jo, Kbz, and I went to the Phillip Phillips concert. Ryan wasn't all that enthused about going. He was expecting it to be "hipster" and coffee shop-ish lol it wasn't it was actually a really good concert!

There was a band called Churchill that opened up for him. I liked them. I was beyond exhausted and had been feeling bad that day so I didn't get to enjoy the concert as much as I wished. It didn't help that we sat in front of an ENTIRE group of sorority girls. Don't get me wrong its not rare for my friends and I to laugh hysterically and be loud when we are all together but these girls were just out of control. I sat there and just imagined myself punching this girl that kept screaming the most stupid things right in the nose. That would have been wrong. So I didn't. But I wanted to. OH! there was also a girl and a guy in front of us. Probably in the 8th grade, MAYBE 9th but that would have been pushing it. TOTAL PORN. Disgusting. I seen some people laughing at them and recording them. I hope it gets uploaded on the internet and their parents see. It was awful. Maybe i'm just old but the last I checked you didn't act like that in public especially 8th graders!! glajflasjflasjdflasjflasdjf <-- aggravation.

Moving on. I had a fun week and friday I had a lazzzzzzzzzy day. I watched t.v all day long and it was wonderful. 

Also can we just give the Boston P.D. State Police and S.W.A.T. Teams a big shout out! How awesome was that getting that terrorist! I watched the news for hours Friday and prayed a lot that the one that was still alive didn't have any bombs strapped to himself or random traps/bombs. Thank God for shielding them and I pray for those families that lost loved ones and those that were injured. I don't get very caught up in politics and all that but its such a shame that we have to worry about terrorists or someone wanting to launch nuclear bombs at us. I'm glad that I'm on the Lords side. No matter what happens i'm promised eternal life as long as I keep my end of the deal up. My heart was broke for the campus police officers family. He was 26 and they just murdered him before he had a chance to do anything. ONE year older then me... big reality check. For whatever reason I never get scared about Ryan being a police officer. I think one time I got scared because I heard what he was being called out to on the radio when he still worked here. It ended up being nothing, but now that he's at Clay Co. I don't really know whats going on until AFTER its happened. Maybe that's why I don't get scared. I don't really look for Terrorist to come to Manchester... that's not what i'm saying but Manchester, McKee, London, none of these places are exempt from psycho paths and people strung out on drugs that are completely OUT of their mind. So now I'm more nervous about his job and what he does. So let's just all keep our police and first responders in our prayers! 

Well that was a book. Have a good Week ya'll!